Mission Impossible

Yes, ok. We get it. You have a clitoris. You're going to enjoy sex. You may even have done so before us. Let's not dwell on it while I'm still thinking you were holding out for Mr. Right. That's not a problem (let's all hope). What is a problem is that you will enjoy sex with just anyone. Or most anyone. That would make you which of the following: 1) a happy, self-content person 2) just very open and giving 3) all of the above and a total whore just because sex feels good.

I said it before and I'll say it again: men are men and women are women. If you want to act like a man, that's fine. That's up to you. This is the U.S. of A. Go crazy and get regular STD checks. But I'm not gay. I don't want to date or marry a guy. Men will be happy to screw a girl who is ACTING like a guy (especially if she has lovely girl parts) a few timess, but no, I have no wish to eventually some day breed with a human being who wants to risk breeding with people who are not me over and over and over again. Call me selfish, that's just how I roll.

And let me help you out with something else - YOU are not really emotionally close with those men you love to screw so randomly. Sorry, girls don't work like that. Even when pretending to be a guy, you are still a girl. Complain to God. Women need some sort of bond, some emotional intimacy to have sex with a man. As Billy Crystal said "Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place." If you're just so bloody lonely that you want to pretend that accidental eye contact and the fact that he paid for your drink AND parking means that you two share something special, you're delusional or hallucinating. Your need for closeness has pulled a fast one and its going to delude you only long enough for sex to happen. Mother Nature is a sneaky bitch.

When sex is over, that's not the man turning his back towards you - its your fantasy doing that. And when the door slams, that's REALITY you're feeling. The fact is you don't know each other and you are not close. Not after 2 days or 2 weeks. And guess what - he conquered you, but he feels kind of lousy too: he's just drowning his emotions in alcohol and machismo. Its what us shaved apes do. Thanks to the gift of instincts men NEVER reject sex. Its an axiom. But we expect you to reject our, nay, ALL, sexual advances until you're close to us (and maybe even one or two of those jocks from your drunken, swinging, sorority days!). Again, please be a girl, so we can admire your fake virtue. Play your cards right and you may even take down a little chivalry! But let's not get crazy here.

So no, Virginia, you can't impersonate a man in order to simulate intimacy. Sorry. That's life. Now let's try to move on honey.