Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
When he asks, you say YES.
This is the kind of garbage that passes for t.v. these days. I preface the following remarks by saying, ordinarily I scoff at this sort of drivel but as I've gotten older I've learned that women and men are.... wait for it.... different. Whoa. Believe it. Any mom or dad of a 4 year old can tell you that OR, just go talk to your grandparents for 5 minutes and while you do, use that new-age, men-can-bake-and-clean/women-are-the-new-men treatise as a coaster and feel free to spill whatever it is your drinking.
B.E.T. the other night runs a show - a sitcom - and I run across it. A pregnant woman is talking to her boyfriend in the scene - granted, I didn't see the whole show - however, let's examine the scene I did see. She's pregnant and he's asking her to marry him - really asking, sincerely, with a ring AND EVERYTHING. She looks at him and sighs. And then says "Darrel! (or whatever his name was), just because you're wrapped up in the moment, you can't ask me to marry you! (paraphrasing)."
Here is a woman, pregnant, unmarried, about single. Ladies, in 1955 this was grounds for contemplating suicide. Today, its grounds for refusing marriage on a whim. Why does no one explain this anymore? Because Hollywood women with millions of dollars at their disposal hire 4 nannies while they shoot their new film in Maui? Because the stud has a few - marked, a FEW - bucks and it's no big deal because you'll nail him for child support and go shopping for "true" love? Someone who really "gets" you, someone who doesn't have to ask you what you're thinking because you're "connected?"
For those of you that missed 8th grade health class, the baby inside of you comes out and DEMANDS your attention and milk and needs to be burped/changed/fed/nursed/put down/picked-up every 15 seconds, or so it will seem. You will not work (at least not well, if you do work), and you will need MONEY for food, baby supplies (read $$$$), shelter and will need endless amounts of help, encouragement, and support. ALSO, your baby forms bonds and attachments with its father nearly from birth. So sticking DAD on the SHELF and shopping for a replacement or for a new one is pretty much a terrible idea from DAY 1 - that means other kids will grow up healthier and more stable as they have fathers who are there (and screwing up left and right, but there nonetheless).
Not to mention, YOU, honey will be a mess - an understandable mess (hey, kids don't come with instructions stamped on their butt), worrying and running about raising Hell and trying to figure things out. You won't look so hot, you won't feel so hot and you won't have ANY time or ANY money. In short, YOU NEED HIM. And this LUNATIC will stick around and spend his money on you and baby instead of speakers because he loves you - you have to love a woman to put up with her unstable, unending, nagging, pleading, complaining, obsecene anxiety attacks that child rearing causes (again, understadably) - this on top of any faults you already have. He'll be woken up every 2 hours and then at dawn he'll be driven (flee?) from the house to work, work, work for the money to feed baby what baby just spit up. He'll solve problems all day to come home to you demanding he solve problems he couldn't possibly have any idea how to solve ("...the baby won't eat! WHY, DAMMIT, WHY!?!?!?!?").
In short, you and baby are his new Hell. And 30 minutes of happiness here and there will make it all worthwhile for him (pretty cheap babysitter/lover if you ask me). So honey? SHUTUP. SHUT THE HELL UP and say yes when he's on one knee. Then smile and cry. THAT'S YOUR PART. GET IT? He spent all his money on a ring and he's promising to try as hard as he can. Honey, unless your 22, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET A BETTER OFFER IN ALL LIKLIHOOD. TAKE IT. With all due respect, TAKE IT, you dumbass. All the other girls have imperfect men as well and many are DELUDED enough to think they're going to upgrade to a "better" man at the age of 25 27, 29, 32, etc. THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS. Kind of suck? Not the fairytale? Not what you expected? Welcome to Reality. Want to be stuck in single parent purgatory? Want to shop for men with someone else's baby at home (yes, it belongs to both of you, but that doesn't matter, the baby won't belong to the new guy, whoever he is, and new guy wants to start with a fresh slate, No, he doesn't owe it to you to deal with a baby he didn't make)?
Now chances are YOUR MOTHER, if she's not a train-wreck too, knows all this. And she's pleading with you to be sensible and think about your baby, think about the future and for chrissake HAVE A LITTLE FAITH, cuz guess what? YOUR DAD WAS PROBABLY JUST LIKE THE DUFUS YOU CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STUCK WITH. Only not quite so bad, as back in the day men were prepared and they walked around like they were supposed to take care of things and make command decisions because THAT'S HOW THEIR FATHER'S RAISED THEM. But since the new-age, neo-liberal God-replacements took over, men are dazed and confused and the women are frustrated and working at developing careers to support THEIR MEN.
Do yourself a favor. Get a good guy and cook something for him to eat. Have sex with him and don't complain. He'll give baby and you all his money, and give you breaks to go out and teach your daughter or son what a man is supposed to do: take care of his family. He'll fix things mechanical and teach your kids that mom's birthdy is A VERY BIG DEAL. He's trying to help you and do right by you. LET HIM. Help him help you. He wants to. And for chissake, don't argue with him when he's on that damn single knee of his. The floor is hard and it hurts his kneecap. That knee is for you and baby and trust me sister, it don't go down very often. Just smile and cry. Its a short part. Its not easy to forget. Bring a script if you must.
Its as easy as it sounds. Quit thinking, put down that cosmo article that's telling you women at 38 get young, hot guys just like your Sex and City show and do it. Then you can look at your girlfriends and recoil in shock and horror as they debate, at the age of 29, whether or not their baby's father is romantic enough to marry.
B.E.T. the other night runs a show - a sitcom - and I run across it. A pregnant woman is talking to her boyfriend in the scene - granted, I didn't see the whole show - however, let's examine the scene I did see. She's pregnant and he's asking her to marry him - really asking, sincerely, with a ring AND EVERYTHING. She looks at him and sighs. And then says "Darrel! (or whatever his name was), just because you're wrapped up in the moment, you can't ask me to marry you! (paraphrasing)."
Here is a woman, pregnant, unmarried, about single. Ladies, in 1955 this was grounds for contemplating suicide. Today, its grounds for refusing marriage on a whim. Why does no one explain this anymore? Because Hollywood women with millions of dollars at their disposal hire 4 nannies while they shoot their new film in Maui? Because the stud has a few - marked, a FEW - bucks and it's no big deal because you'll nail him for child support and go shopping for "true" love? Someone who really "gets" you, someone who doesn't have to ask you what you're thinking because you're "connected?"
For those of you that missed 8th grade health class, the baby inside of you comes out and DEMANDS your attention and milk and needs to be burped/changed/fed/nursed/put down/picked-up every 15 seconds, or so it will seem. You will not work (at least not well, if you do work), and you will need MONEY for food, baby supplies (read $$$$), shelter and will need endless amounts of help, encouragement, and support. ALSO, your baby forms bonds and attachments with its father nearly from birth. So sticking DAD on the SHELF and shopping for a replacement or for a new one is pretty much a terrible idea from DAY 1 - that means other kids will grow up healthier and more stable as they have fathers who are there (and screwing up left and right, but there nonetheless).
Not to mention, YOU, honey will be a mess - an understandable mess (hey, kids don't come with instructions stamped on their butt), worrying and running about raising Hell and trying to figure things out. You won't look so hot, you won't feel so hot and you won't have ANY time or ANY money. In short, YOU NEED HIM. And this LUNATIC will stick around and spend his money on you and baby instead of speakers because he loves you - you have to love a woman to put up with her unstable, unending, nagging, pleading, complaining, obsecene anxiety attacks that child rearing causes (again, understadably) - this on top of any faults you already have. He'll be woken up every 2 hours and then at dawn he'll be driven (flee?) from the house to work, work, work for the money to feed baby what baby just spit up. He'll solve problems all day to come home to you demanding he solve problems he couldn't possibly have any idea how to solve ("...the baby won't eat! WHY, DAMMIT, WHY!?!?!?!?").
In short, you and baby are his new Hell. And 30 minutes of happiness here and there will make it all worthwhile for him (pretty cheap babysitter/lover if you ask me). So honey? SHUTUP. SHUT THE HELL UP and say yes when he's on one knee. Then smile and cry. THAT'S YOUR PART. GET IT? He spent all his money on a ring and he's promising to try as hard as he can. Honey, unless your 22, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET A BETTER OFFER IN ALL LIKLIHOOD. TAKE IT. With all due respect, TAKE IT, you dumbass. All the other girls have imperfect men as well and many are DELUDED enough to think they're going to upgrade to a "better" man at the age of 25 27, 29, 32, etc. THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS. Kind of suck? Not the fairytale? Not what you expected? Welcome to Reality. Want to be stuck in single parent purgatory? Want to shop for men with someone else's baby at home (yes, it belongs to both of you, but that doesn't matter, the baby won't belong to the new guy, whoever he is, and new guy wants to start with a fresh slate, No, he doesn't owe it to you to deal with a baby he didn't make)?
Now chances are YOUR MOTHER, if she's not a train-wreck too, knows all this. And she's pleading with you to be sensible and think about your baby, think about the future and for chrissake HAVE A LITTLE FAITH, cuz guess what? YOUR DAD WAS PROBABLY JUST LIKE THE DUFUS YOU CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STUCK WITH. Only not quite so bad, as back in the day men were prepared and they walked around like they were supposed to take care of things and make command decisions because THAT'S HOW THEIR FATHER'S RAISED THEM. But since the new-age, neo-liberal God-replacements took over, men are dazed and confused and the women are frustrated and working at developing careers to support THEIR MEN.
Do yourself a favor. Get a good guy and cook something for him to eat. Have sex with him and don't complain. He'll give baby and you all his money, and give you breaks to go out and teach your daughter or son what a man is supposed to do: take care of his family. He'll fix things mechanical and teach your kids that mom's birthdy is A VERY BIG DEAL. He's trying to help you and do right by you. LET HIM. Help him help you. He wants to. And for chissake, don't argue with him when he's on that damn single knee of his. The floor is hard and it hurts his kneecap. That knee is for you and baby and trust me sister, it don't go down very often. Just smile and cry. Its a short part. Its not easy to forget. Bring a script if you must.
Its as easy as it sounds. Quit thinking, put down that cosmo article that's telling you women at 38 get young, hot guys just like your Sex and City show and do it. Then you can look at your girlfriends and recoil in shock and horror as they debate, at the age of 29, whether or not their baby's father is romantic enough to marry.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
BARK. BARK.
Sorry, its apples and oranges you're comparing.
Yes, men WILL enjoy sex with nearly anyone, granted they're sexy and not too annoying (an easy test many somehow manage to fail). We're men! Did you see? Love us or hate us, but don't pretend we're anything else.
No, we're not holding out for MS. Right. Our dick will not let us. Even when we manage to put up the most fragile straw man argument in the world - our dick is much stronger than you think. And you want to know something? With random sex and emotional vacancy, we actually would rather have a bit more FEMALE in us (oh no, now I'm girly) - and just pick one girl and stick with her. BUT NO, mother nature was a MADAME. And she was worried about SURVIVAL; so she programmed us dudes to fuck-and-run as Liz Phair put so well. Men have to overcome themselves to settle down - one lucky curse you ladies managed to dodge - and for all of men's bragging, we're really rather tired and broke from chasing so much tail, after all.
"…uh, we don’t want a guy who fumbles around either. No one wants to hand their man a road map. But, um…so you were just practicing on all of those whores so you would know what to do when you met ms. right?"
Pretty much, yes. How terrified is a man of being told by his dream woman that he's not pleasing her sexually? Hold a small boulder and jump off of the Golden Gate Bridge. That's how terrified. So yes, we know we're supposed to be just short of a sexual research expert in that area. And as an attractive, mildly emotionally-stable woman is about as common as 4-leaf clover, one might as well practice up for when we do find her.
"Even harder to accept is that if you wanted the slutastically sexually liberated girls, then wtf are you doing with us?"
Double-edged sword. Hey, you ladies want a man who has plenty of time to play with you and the kids, but you also want a house, cars and vacations, so guess what - WE HAVE TO SPEND TIME AT WORK TOO. So yes, we know we're being selfish and stupid here: don't be a total imbecile, but don't be Mrs. experience: basically we want you to LEARN with us. And I don't know, pretend you didn't get your expertise from a 3 weeks of marathon sex with name-a-college-bf. But then I'm an old school traditionalist. Feel free to label me as such.
"Granted, of course it’s great that girls can enjoy sex. But with all this liberated sexuality, guys can’t get away with holding it against us anymore. The virgin/whore syndrome is a total double standard."
One issue here - MEN - the real kind - sure as shit didn't ask for the liberated, sexualized present state of affairs. We were dragged along for the ride, and yes, got laid a few extra times because of it. But it was not our idea. The feminists want you to embrace your sexuality because they just hate that you would do ANYTHING that might accidentally appeal to a man. The magazines and fashion world have always been whores and using your sexuality to sell things to men who are programmed to follow sex is nothing new, its just gotten much worse, that's all. This illustrates the problem: THE PEOPLE TELLING YOU TO WHORE YOURSELF DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU; THEY ARE ALL USING YOU. Women, I'm sorry to say, are too easy to use. They are extremely sensitive and intuitive. They were built that way. Society manipulates them easily. Women are taught to care about sports, cars, designer-labels, the precise shape and weight of their bodies, etc. And not just care about these things, women are taught how relatively IMPORTANT they are "supposed" to be. Some women don't care about these things and discard them (love those chics) - but far too many others simply accept what they are told to believe. George Gordon, Lord Byron, the famous British poet said "Women are a reflection of all that is wrong with society." Unfortunately for women, there is A LOT wrong with society.
"The idea of random sex is ick blech. Personally, I like the idea of only sleeping with one person for the rest of my life…whereas this gives most guys a total stroke."
None of my posts are pointed directly at you, Mrs. He-Said-She-Whined, as you are adverse to much of the crap society tries to shove down your throat. Yes, I'm sorry - all men are sorry - for wanting to sleep with more than their wife before dying, but stay with us, we bite our lip as hard as we can and pray for strength, or else for someone to beat us senseless and/or provide good distractions, such as playstation.
"And what’s with the shut down after sex paradox. What happens there? I HAVE TO KNOW!"
Easy - women feel the reasons why they're going to sleep with a man BEFORE they sleep with him. For men, its the reverse. And we feel things usually only when ALONE. So let a brother breathe.
Yes, men WILL enjoy sex with nearly anyone, granted they're sexy and not too annoying (an easy test many somehow manage to fail). We're men! Did you see? Love us or hate us, but don't pretend we're anything else.
No, we're not holding out for MS. Right. Our dick will not let us. Even when we manage to put up the most fragile straw man argument in the world - our dick is much stronger than you think. And you want to know something? With random sex and emotional vacancy, we actually would rather have a bit more FEMALE in us (oh no, now I'm girly) - and just pick one girl and stick with her. BUT NO, mother nature was a MADAME. And she was worried about SURVIVAL; so she programmed us dudes to fuck-and-run as Liz Phair put so well. Men have to overcome themselves to settle down - one lucky curse you ladies managed to dodge - and for all of men's bragging, we're really rather tired and broke from chasing so much tail, after all.
"…uh, we don’t want a guy who fumbles around either. No one wants to hand their man a road map. But, um…so you were just practicing on all of those whores so you would know what to do when you met ms. right?"
Pretty much, yes. How terrified is a man of being told by his dream woman that he's not pleasing her sexually? Hold a small boulder and jump off of the Golden Gate Bridge. That's how terrified. So yes, we know we're supposed to be just short of a sexual research expert in that area. And as an attractive, mildly emotionally-stable woman is about as common as 4-leaf clover, one might as well practice up for when we do find her.
"Even harder to accept is that if you wanted the slutastically sexually liberated girls, then wtf are you doing with us?"
Double-edged sword. Hey, you ladies want a man who has plenty of time to play with you and the kids, but you also want a house, cars and vacations, so guess what - WE HAVE TO SPEND TIME AT WORK TOO. So yes, we know we're being selfish and stupid here: don't be a total imbecile, but don't be Mrs. experience: basically we want you to LEARN with us. And I don't know, pretend you didn't get your expertise from a 3 weeks of marathon sex with name-a-college-bf. But then I'm an old school traditionalist. Feel free to label me as such.
"Granted, of course it’s great that girls can enjoy sex. But with all this liberated sexuality, guys can’t get away with holding it against us anymore. The virgin/whore syndrome is a total double standard."
One issue here - MEN - the real kind - sure as shit didn't ask for the liberated, sexualized present state of affairs. We were dragged along for the ride, and yes, got laid a few extra times because of it. But it was not our idea. The feminists want you to embrace your sexuality because they just hate that you would do ANYTHING that might accidentally appeal to a man. The magazines and fashion world have always been whores and using your sexuality to sell things to men who are programmed to follow sex is nothing new, its just gotten much worse, that's all. This illustrates the problem: THE PEOPLE TELLING YOU TO WHORE YOURSELF DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU; THEY ARE ALL USING YOU. Women, I'm sorry to say, are too easy to use. They are extremely sensitive and intuitive. They were built that way. Society manipulates them easily. Women are taught to care about sports, cars, designer-labels, the precise shape and weight of their bodies, etc. And not just care about these things, women are taught how relatively IMPORTANT they are "supposed" to be. Some women don't care about these things and discard them (love those chics) - but far too many others simply accept what they are told to believe. George Gordon, Lord Byron, the famous British poet said "Women are a reflection of all that is wrong with society." Unfortunately for women, there is A LOT wrong with society.
"The idea of random sex is ick blech. Personally, I like the idea of only sleeping with one person for the rest of my life…whereas this gives most guys a total stroke."
None of my posts are pointed directly at you, Mrs. He-Said-She-Whined, as you are adverse to much of the crap society tries to shove down your throat. Yes, I'm sorry - all men are sorry - for wanting to sleep with more than their wife before dying, but stay with us, we bite our lip as hard as we can and pray for strength, or else for someone to beat us senseless and/or provide good distractions, such as playstation.
"And what’s with the shut down after sex paradox. What happens there? I HAVE TO KNOW!"
Easy - women feel the reasons why they're going to sleep with a man BEFORE they sleep with him. For men, its the reverse. And we feel things usually only when ALONE. So let a brother breathe.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Um...MEOW
I hate to say this, bro…but you kinda sound like a girl. A girly man, if you will. The points you’re making could be easily reversed.
Yes, ok. We get it. You have a DICK. You're going to enjoy sex. You may even have done so before us. Let's not dwell on it while I'm still thinking you were holding out for MS. Right. That's not a problem (let's all hope). What is a problems is that you will enjoy sex with just anyone.
Back to your first argument that girls are supposed to be rookies and guys aren’t. …uh, we don’t want a guy who fumbles around either. No one wants to hand their man a road map. But, um…so you were just practicing on all of those whores so you would know what to do when you met ms. right? Ugh. We don’t want to think about where you guys have been either. No one wants to touch the dirty guy with a ten foot pole. Even harder to accept is that if you wanted the slutastically sexually liberated girls, then wtf are you doing with us?
The point is, we (for the most part) don’t actually want to act like men. Therein lies the problem. I was trying to make a point for the conservatives, and not the feminists. Granted, of course it’s great that girls can enjoy sex. But with all this liberated sexuality, guys can’t get away with holding it against us anymore. The virgin/whore syndrome is a total double standard.
And I hope that third paragraph was a general you, and not specifically to me, because, please, I haven’t gotten laid since the Reagan era… for exactly these reasons. The idea of random sex is ick blech. Personally, I like the idea of only sleeping with one person for the rest of my life…whereas this gives most guys a total stroke.
As for the rest of the ladies out there, I can’t speak for them. But the point I was ineffectively trying to make is that some may be lulled into the delusion that sleeping with someone will make you closer, instead of getting close first and sealing it with a screw. It’s like being an unintentional slut.
And what’s with the shut down after sex paradox. What happens there? I HAVE TO KNOW!
Yes, ok. We get it. You have a DICK. You're going to enjoy sex. You may even have done so before us. Let's not dwell on it while I'm still thinking you were holding out for MS. Right. That's not a problem (let's all hope). What is a problems is that you will enjoy sex with just anyone.
Back to your first argument that girls are supposed to be rookies and guys aren’t. …uh, we don’t want a guy who fumbles around either. No one wants to hand their man a road map. But, um…so you were just practicing on all of those whores so you would know what to do when you met ms. right? Ugh. We don’t want to think about where you guys have been either. No one wants to touch the dirty guy with a ten foot pole. Even harder to accept is that if you wanted the slutastically sexually liberated girls, then wtf are you doing with us?
The point is, we (for the most part) don’t actually want to act like men. Therein lies the problem. I was trying to make a point for the conservatives, and not the feminists. Granted, of course it’s great that girls can enjoy sex. But with all this liberated sexuality, guys can’t get away with holding it against us anymore. The virgin/whore syndrome is a total double standard.
And I hope that third paragraph was a general you, and not specifically to me, because, please, I haven’t gotten laid since the Reagan era… for exactly these reasons. The idea of random sex is ick blech. Personally, I like the idea of only sleeping with one person for the rest of my life…whereas this gives most guys a total stroke.
As for the rest of the ladies out there, I can’t speak for them. But the point I was ineffectively trying to make is that some may be lulled into the delusion that sleeping with someone will make you closer, instead of getting close first and sealing it with a screw. It’s like being an unintentional slut.
And what’s with the shut down after sex paradox. What happens there? I HAVE TO KNOW!
Mission Impossible
Yes, ok. We get it. You have a clitoris. You're going to enjoy sex. You may even have done so before us. Let's not dwell on it while I'm still thinking you were holding out for Mr. Right. That's not a problem (let's all hope). What is a problem is that you will enjoy sex with just anyone. Or most anyone. That would make you which of the following: 1) a happy, self-content person 2) just very open and giving 3) all of the above and a total whore just because sex feels good.
I said it before and I'll say it again: men are men and women are women. If you want to act like a man, that's fine. That's up to you. This is the U.S. of A. Go crazy and get regular STD checks. But I'm not gay. I don't want to date or marry a guy. Men will be happy to screw a girl who is ACTING like a guy (especially if she has lovely girl parts) a few timess, but no, I have no wish to eventually some day breed with a human being who wants to risk breeding with people who are not me over and over and over again. Call me selfish, that's just how I roll.
And let me help you out with something else - YOU are not really emotionally close with those men you love to screw so randomly. Sorry, girls don't work like that. Even when pretending to be a guy, you are still a girl. Complain to God. Women need some sort of bond, some emotional intimacy to have sex with a man. As Billy Crystal said "Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place." If you're just so bloody lonely that you want to pretend that accidental eye contact and the fact that he paid for your drink AND parking means that you two share something special, you're delusional or hallucinating. Your need for closeness has pulled a fast one and its going to delude you only long enough for sex to happen. Mother Nature is a sneaky bitch.
When sex is over, that's not the man turning his back towards you - its your fantasy doing that. And when the door slams, that's REALITY you're feeling. The fact is you don't know each other and you are not close. Not after 2 days or 2 weeks. And guess what - he conquered you, but he feels kind of lousy too: he's just drowning his emotions in alcohol and machismo. Its what us shaved apes do. Thanks to the gift of instincts men NEVER reject sex. Its an axiom. But we expect you to reject our, nay, ALL, sexual advances until you're close to us (and maybe even one or two of those jocks from your drunken, swinging, sorority days!). Again, please be a girl, so we can admire your fake virtue. Play your cards right and you may even take down a little chivalry! But let's not get crazy here.
So no, Virginia, you can't impersonate a man in order to simulate intimacy. Sorry. That's life. Now let's try to move on honey.
I said it before and I'll say it again: men are men and women are women. If you want to act like a man, that's fine. That's up to you. This is the U.S. of A. Go crazy and get regular STD checks. But I'm not gay. I don't want to date or marry a guy. Men will be happy to screw a girl who is ACTING like a guy (especially if she has lovely girl parts) a few timess, but no, I have no wish to eventually some day breed with a human being who wants to risk breeding with people who are not me over and over and over again. Call me selfish, that's just how I roll.
And let me help you out with something else - YOU are not really emotionally close with those men you love to screw so randomly. Sorry, girls don't work like that. Even when pretending to be a guy, you are still a girl. Complain to God. Women need some sort of bond, some emotional intimacy to have sex with a man. As Billy Crystal said "Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place." If you're just so bloody lonely that you want to pretend that accidental eye contact and the fact that he paid for your drink AND parking means that you two share something special, you're delusional or hallucinating. Your need for closeness has pulled a fast one and its going to delude you only long enough for sex to happen. Mother Nature is a sneaky bitch.
When sex is over, that's not the man turning his back towards you - its your fantasy doing that. And when the door slams, that's REALITY you're feeling. The fact is you don't know each other and you are not close. Not after 2 days or 2 weeks. And guess what - he conquered you, but he feels kind of lousy too: he's just drowning his emotions in alcohol and machismo. Its what us shaved apes do. Thanks to the gift of instincts men NEVER reject sex. Its an axiom. But we expect you to reject our, nay, ALL, sexual advances until you're close to us (and maybe even one or two of those jocks from your drunken, swinging, sorority days!). Again, please be a girl, so we can admire your fake virtue. Play your cards right and you may even take down a little chivalry! But let's not get crazy here.
So no, Virginia, you can't impersonate a man in order to simulate intimacy. Sorry. That's life. Now let's try to move on honey.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Gosh, it's Truly a Whore's Dilemma
I’m sorry, are you starting a top secret viral marketing campaign for the patriarchy?
I mean, seriously…the poor misunderstood players of the world. How they long to deflower, er, find their true virgin love. Of course, you could jump right to the feminists for this one, spreading their blasphemous message that it’s, like, cool for girls to be comfortable with their bodies and enjoy sex. Nooo…according to you all, girls should keep their naughty bits cloistered in chastity belts until prince charming comes along.
But wait, could it be prince charming making his way through the mist on a white steed? And could it be his secret mission is merely to get into his fair maiden's pants? And could it be she lets him because she’s deluded herself into believing he actually is prince charming… only to be dumped post coitus because he was a playa’? (Or because he got sex and something in his tiny little brain snapped causing him to flee in terror?)
Of course, not everyone chicks sleep with is necessarily perceived as said prince charming….and of course it’s pretty easy to cross the town line into Whoreville… but guys can’t get away with pulling this shit anymore, not unless you all want to go back to being conservatives. Ya know, when guys actually acted like GUYS and girls acted like girls….because deep down we all know it works much better.
So, what is the magic whore number anyway?
I mean, seriously…the poor misunderstood players of the world. How they long to deflower, er, find their true virgin love. Of course, you could jump right to the feminists for this one, spreading their blasphemous message that it’s, like, cool for girls to be comfortable with their bodies and enjoy sex. Nooo…according to you all, girls should keep their naughty bits cloistered in chastity belts until prince charming comes along.
But wait, could it be prince charming making his way through the mist on a white steed? And could it be his secret mission is merely to get into his fair maiden's pants? And could it be she lets him because she’s deluded herself into believing he actually is prince charming… only to be dumped post coitus because he was a playa’? (Or because he got sex and something in his tiny little brain snapped causing him to flee in terror?)
Of course, not everyone chicks sleep with is necessarily perceived as said prince charming….and of course it’s pretty easy to cross the town line into Whoreville… but guys can’t get away with pulling this shit anymore, not unless you all want to go back to being conservatives. Ya know, when guys actually acted like GUYS and girls acted like girls….because deep down we all know it works much better.
So, what is the magic whore number anyway?
Saturday, September 12, 2009
He Said She Said - The Real Problem
http://jezebel.com/5358024/ask-men-thinks-theyre-too-good-for-you-ladies
Ok, hereeeee's the probelm.
Some are right, some are wrong, but as always, the male point of view is completely misinterpreted....
That's right ladies, as always, its a catch 22. We don't want you to be a terrible lay, but at the same time, NO, you can't be Ms. EXPERIENCE in bed. Sorry, the idea that you've had PLENTY of practice, isn't appealing. The Truth? Never easy to swallow gals (my apologies for the metaphor). You are told a rookie in bed makes a guy feel bored or else that claiming your right to feel sexually empowered is somehow nature's gift to you and that men should learn to deal with it. Hey. If he's slept around, he's more likely to have an STD, but do you want a guy who fumbles around and doesn't know what to do? NO damn way. That's your catch 22. Ours? We want a rookie. We like to delude ourselves that you only sleep with guys you care deeply for and that we're that special guy. Why? Because we like to think you are better than us. That's right, ladies, we hold you on a pedestal. Men are base, animal creatures. We know this. We have raw, animal insticts. You do too, but since we hate our own instrints - at least partially - we like to pretend you are holier than thou. We like to believe in something better than ourselves. And you are that thing. You let us down, of course. Because you've been convinced that's its somehow good for you, or else you're "right," but the fact of the matter is that knowing you've screwed plenty of men won't elevate you in our esteem. If you've screwed so many other guys, well then why wouldn't you stop after screwing us? Oh, suddenly you're emotionally involved? Riiight - Just like you told those other 'special' men? No. We're no better. But we're men. We accept we're base, disgusting pigs. We really quite hate it. That's why we're trying to marry you. We want to be better and rely on real, actual, human feeling and emotion and not the size of someone's boobs as that will change your mind every other day and THAT'S NO WAY TO LIVE. Duh. Look it up.
Ok, hereeeee's the probelm.
Some are right, some are wrong, but as always, the male point of view is completely misinterpreted....
That's right ladies, as always, its a catch 22. We don't want you to be a terrible lay, but at the same time, NO, you can't be Ms. EXPERIENCE in bed. Sorry, the idea that you've had PLENTY of practice, isn't appealing. The Truth? Never easy to swallow gals (my apologies for the metaphor). You are told a rookie in bed makes a guy feel bored or else that claiming your right to feel sexually empowered is somehow nature's gift to you and that men should learn to deal with it. Hey. If he's slept around, he's more likely to have an STD, but do you want a guy who fumbles around and doesn't know what to do? NO damn way. That's your catch 22. Ours? We want a rookie. We like to delude ourselves that you only sleep with guys you care deeply for and that we're that special guy. Why? Because we like to think you are better than us. That's right, ladies, we hold you on a pedestal. Men are base, animal creatures. We know this. We have raw, animal insticts. You do too, but since we hate our own instrints - at least partially - we like to pretend you are holier than thou. We like to believe in something better than ourselves. And you are that thing. You let us down, of course. Because you've been convinced that's its somehow good for you, or else you're "right," but the fact of the matter is that knowing you've screwed plenty of men won't elevate you in our esteem. If you've screwed so many other guys, well then why wouldn't you stop after screwing us? Oh, suddenly you're emotionally involved? Riiight - Just like you told those other 'special' men? No. We're no better. But we're men. We accept we're base, disgusting pigs. We really quite hate it. That's why we're trying to marry you. We want to be better and rely on real, actual, human feeling and emotion and not the size of someone's boobs as that will change your mind every other day and THAT'S NO WAY TO LIVE. Duh. Look it up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)